I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
