Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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