it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
