When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
