my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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