he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
