Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
