I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
