I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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