If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
