I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i think we sleep fucked last night...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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