I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
