ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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