Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
