Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
