I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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