Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Randomize
