Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
