I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
