Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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