have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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