and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
