I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
