I want to make a zoo with you.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
