Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Randomize
