so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
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I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
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Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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