Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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