Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
