I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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