i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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