I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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