just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
