God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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