True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
she peed on how many people?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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