he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
