Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
