im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
