And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
