There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
