dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
