Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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