i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
