oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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