help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
