On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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