i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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