dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
