There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
