We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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