this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
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sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
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I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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