You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
