how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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