he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
