hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
