Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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