dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
