it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
