im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize