Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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