My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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