I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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