The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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